Why Asking for Consent Doesn't Ruin the Mood



Most of us agree that if someone doesn't want to have sex they shouldn't be forced to. However, we debate about how one can tell.


In Consent on our LEARN page, you can learn about what consent is and is not. Overall, consent is someone's clear, informed, and positively-given "yes" to engage in sexual contact or behavior.


The verbalization of yes is where people debate. Many people think that asking someone if they can do something ruins the mood or moment. In some people's minds, it's as if someone is interrupting them at a movie: they were just getting to the good part when someone started talking. To others, it's like someone asking them if they would like a surprise birthday party. They may think, "Who wouldn't want a surprise party for their birthday? And they just ruined it because the best part of a surprise birthday party is being surprised!"


I have a question for each of those thoughts, though.


For the movie: what if you were watching it with your boyfriend or girlfriend, and what they said added to the good part? For example, when I was listening to a song with one of my crushes, he talked over one of my favorite parts to tell me it sounded like me. The way he said it and looked at me was way better than that part, and his words have made that part special to this day. For a similar reason, the good part of the movie could also become special to you.


For the surprise party: not everyone likes parties. What if you didn't want a party? You could be going through something, swamped with school or work, or already have another party planned. Also, who said you wouldn't still be surprised? If you said yes, you still wouldn't know the ins and outs of the party. It could be that way with someone you allow to kiss you, touch you, or do anything else with you. You could still be surprised at how it feels and what it's like.


Here are two articles that further explain:


  1. "Can I Kiss You? Or Would the Ruin the Mood?" by Emma Austin: https://medium.com/love-emma/can-i-kiss-you-or-would-that-ruin-the-mood-ad2b8739a101

  2. "35 Sexy Ways to to Ask for Consent" by Amber Amour: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amber-amour/35-sexy-ways-to-ask-for-consent_b_9789458.html?guccounter=1


Consent is sexy. It should be viewed as a mood enhancer, not a mood killer.


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